


Hypothetically

by pumpkinqueene



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, Getting Together, I was rusty when I wrote this, It's pretty old, Jasper is a hot buff lesbian, Lapis isn't even trying to help, Mutual Pining, peridot is a gay nerd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-21 07:09:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6042711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pumpkinqueene/pseuds/pumpkinqueene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>College AU. Peridot is too gay and Jasper is too hot, but there’s no way Peridot will ever actually say anything to Jasper about it. She decides to confide in her best friend instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hypothetically

“OK, so I want to pose a hypothetical scenario to you, and want you to give me your take on it,” Peridot said as she paced, flurrying her arms agitatedly. Lapis, who had been trying to do her Art History assignment on her bed, looked up with a raised eyebrow and a knowing smirk.

“Just how…hypothetical is this hypothetical situation?” she asked, steepling her fingers mockingly atop her assignment.

“Absolutely hypothetical!” Peridot insisted, throwing up her arms, “Completely, one hundred per cent hypothetical!”

“You sure?” Lapis said.

“Well, maybe it’s a little…not…hypothetical,” Peridot faltered quietly, “But still pretty hypothetical! If you think about it, the dictionary definition of the word “hypothetical” is “based on or serving as a hypothesis”, so even if this particular scenario is arguably applicable to me, it doesn’t necessarily-,”

“Peridot, you’re deflecting,” Lapis interjected flatly. Peridot grinned sheepishly, twiddling her thumbs. Lapis watched her expectantly, beginning to impatiently drum her fingers on her textbook as the silence stretched. Finally, Peridot took a deep breath and ploughed on.

“What if I had a thing for someone?” she said.

“I would probably relentlessly make fun of you and embarrass you in front of them, but I would support you completely,” Lapis said immediately, “So you like someone? That’s it?”

“We’re speaking in hypotheticals!” Peridot reminded her, frazzled.

“Peridot,” Lapis said warningly.

“Oh…Alright!” Peridot burst out, “I have a thing for someone! And it’s freaking me out!”

By the time she had finished, she was outright wailing, clutching her messy hair in both hands. Lapis couldn’t help but laugh.

“You’re like this over a stupid crush?” she sniggered, “Oh wow, this is great. Who’s the lucky gal?”

“It’s not a crush!” Peridot insisted with utmost affront, “Crushes are for stupid teenagers! I, on the other hand-,”

“-turned 18 this summer,” Lapis finished drolly, “OK, tell me about your thing for this girl. Is she hot?”

Peridot’s expression vacillated between embarrassment, annoyance, and excitement as she dithered over her options: telling Lapis and undergoing the ribbing of a lifetime, or not telling Lapis and continuing to pine away ineffectually. The first option would be maddening, surely; but the second was better than hoarding her feelings until she explodes and humiliates herself without Lapis there to rein her in. Lapis waited patiently, pushing her laptop and textbook aside to give Peridot her full attention. Peridot knew the concerned friend shtick was mostly an act. Lapis may have been her best friend, but Peridot was under no illusions that Lapis wanted to laugh at her as much as help her. Still, any help, no matter how ill-gotten, would be better than pining away like a lovesick anime protagonist. With some regret, she made up her mind.

“She’s so hot, I can’t even believe it!” she shrieked angrily, “Where does she get off anyway?”

“If you have any luck at all, on your face, probably,” Lapis smirked. Peridot hurled a pillow at her, which she caught with ease. It said a lot about their friendship that this was par the course for them. Dodging pillows and other objects thrown at her by an aggravated Peridot fashioned Lapis into a dodgeball champion back in high school.

“Lapis!” Peridot moaned, flopping down onto the bed beside her, “Be serious! This is bad enough as it is!”

“Drama queen,” Lapis rolled her eyes and lay down beside her, entirely abandoning her assignment, “OK, start venting, and I promise I’ll listen,”

“Only so you have material to tease me about later,” Peridot glowered back.

“I’ll help you too!” Lapis said, “Come on, how hot is she? I love talking about hot girls,”

“She’s so hot, it pisses me off,” Peridot grumbled reluctantly, “She’s a complete jerk! She’s so loud and…and grabby!”

“Hot girl is noisy and touches you often,” Lapis said with utmost sarcasm, “Oh no. How terrible!”

“Lapis!”

“What?” Lapis shrugged, “I’m just saying. Sounds like the opposite of a problem to me,”

“It’s a huge problem!” Peridot insisted, sitting bolt upright to glare at Lapis through her thick glasses, “She throws her arm around me and hugs me, and then I freak out and my brain flatlines! Her boobs are right there! I always end up acting like an idiot,”

“How nice are these boobs?” Lapis asked, “Out of curiosity,”

“Amazing,” Peridot answered promptly, “But that’s not the point. I just…I always sound stupid. I wish I could talk to her without freaking out and stammering and yelling at her,”

She sighed morosely, somehow managing to make picking a hangnail seem like the most depressing action ever.

“Well, if she’s touching you, that’s good…isn’t it?” Lapis offered, “It means she likes you,”

“I guess,” Peridot conceded, but her voice lacked confidence, “But she’d never want a skinny nerd like me,”

“Who is this chick, anyway?” Lapis pressed, noting Peridot’s guilty face with suspicion, “Peri,”

“Ok, Ok,” Peridot said quickly, “It’s Jasper Lapana,”

“Haha, oh man,” Lapis snorted immediately, “She could kill you with her pinky. But yes, I can see what you mean. She’s hot- all nine feet of her,”

“She’s six foot ten, actually,” Peridot corrected automatically, “Stop laughing!”

Eventually, Lapis managed to regain a modicum of seriousness and returned to the task at hand- but not before Peridot had battered her with another pillow and threatened to leave unless she stopped sniggering at her plight.

“Isn’t she the boxing prodigy?” Lapis said thoughtfully. Jasper was so striking that Lapis could immediately paint a picture of the girl in her head: a giant Samoan woman, tattooed, muscular, and curvy, her hair a shock of natural platinum down her back. She was widely known as the person who could beat the shit out of anyone without smudging her perfect eyeliner or breaking a single one of her long, luridly-orange nails. For all that, though, Jasper was very obviously butch. She may have had perfect make up and nails, but she wore work-out clothes almost exclusively, arm wrestled bikers at the bar for free drinks, spoke in a deep, husky voice, and earned money as a part-time mechanic.

“Yes,” Peridot nodded, “I’ve been to all of her fights. She knocked the last girl out with one punch. It was hot,”

“I’m deeply concerned, and yet I completely understand,” Lapis said wryly, “But hey. You were right. Amazing boobs,”

“I know!” Peridot groaned, picking up a pillow to shove her burning face into it, “Lapis, help!”

“Well, of course,” Lapis rolled her eyes, “I’m obviously going to help you-,”

There was a knock at the door, entirely unexpected and loud enough to make Peridot jump and squeak in fright. Lapis sniggered anew at Peridot’s mousy squeal.

“-just as soon as I’ve seen who that is,” Lapis finished, getting up to answer the door. Peridot briefly considered telling her to put some pants on and maybe running a brush through her hair, but she figured that coming face to face with a complete stranger while in her panties counted as payback for all the times she’d embarrassed Peridot. Then the door swung open, and anything Peridot had been thinking flew out of her head.

“I’m telling you, the next person to ask me if I’ve ever held a luau is getting punched,” Jasper growled by way of greeting, ducking under the doorframe to stalk into the room, “I literally have a Samoan flag tattooed on my arm, for fuck’s sake!”

“That’s tough, bro,” Lapis said solemnly. Jasper glowered at her and sat down on the other bed, which creaked alarmingly in protest. She didn’t seem to notice Peridot yet. Suddenly, everything made sense- too much sense. Lapis’ eternally absent roommate, the trophies filling the shelves on the other side of the room, giant posters featuring sports, comic book characters, and one of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson; the oversized weights peeking out from underneath the bed, the history books stacked on the desk, the handwraps discarded on the bed…

Peridot resolved to murder Lapis as soon as she could get hold of her.

“You’re Lapis’ roommate?” she blurted out instead. Jasper finally noticed her with a wide grin.

“I didn’t know you two were friends,” she said.

“I didn’t know you were Lapis’ roommate,” Peridot replied.

They both looked at Lapis in askance. Lapis grinned back.

“OK, so here’s the thing,” she said with the air of a criminal mastermind, “Peridot, you’re really not subtle. Jasper, you don’t even try to be subtle, but that’s even worse, because I don’t want to hear about how cute my friend’s butt is- for some reason. Yes, Peri, I knew you liked Jasper,”

“How long have you known?” Peridot squeaked, feeling her cheeks heat up with mortification.

“Since you took a volleyball to the face on the beach back in September? Remember? It was when you saw Jasper come out of the ocean in that bikini with the surfboard under her arm,” Lapis divulged gleefully.

“I hate you so much,” Peridot mumbled into her hands, “Wait, did you say she likes my butt?”

“It’s a very cute butt,” Jasper said.

Peridot attempted to digest the implications behind this piece of information, but all her brain could come up with was the image of a tiny, dancing caricature of herself, chirping “She likes my butt!” in a chipmunk voice. For obvious reasons, she decided not to imitate.

“So you liked me this whole time but didn’t say anything?” she said instead, “Why?”

“Because a lot of girls don’t like it when giant lesbians hit on them?” Jasper said. She spoke as if she was regurgitating a statement of fact, with an overt yet unconvincing display of nonchalance. Peridot was stunned. It had never occurred to her that Jasper would have difficulty approaching girls, let alone ones as awkward and geeky as Peridot.

“But…you’re so hot!” she said, wincing when it came out like an accusation.

“Thanks,” Jasper grinned, scratching her cheek, “But most girls find me kinda scary,”

“Maybe they wouldn’t if you didn’t make knock-out blows your trademark in the ring,” Lapis mumbled.

“That’s hot too,” Peridot said.

“So are you,” Jasper said, instantly reducing Peridot to gibbering- her default state around Jasper.

“Well, if that’s all settled then,” Lapis said, as though concluding a board meeting, “I am going to take my shit and do my assignment in the library. If I come back and your panties aren’t on the lampshade, I will be very disappointed,”

“Lapis!” Peridot yelped.

“Does it have to be the lampshade? Like, would you accept the floor or slung over a trophy or something?” Jasper haggled, clearly demonstrating her priorities. Faced with the knowledge that Jasper was definitely down to fuck, Peridot’s brain chose this moment to short out entirely.

When it came back online, her panties were on the floor and she now enjoyed intimate knowledge of exactly how Jasper tasted.


End file.
